LordoftheFanfics: Fellowship Against Canon Police
by Calenalkar
Summary: Must we say more? It's about reality...well, close enough. Read on! There is slash...but only to make a point...
1. The Unexpected Entrance

Lord of the Fanfics: the Fellowship Against the Canon Police By Alyssa Wood & Samantha Chan  
  
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Disclaimer: should we really? You already know this part, so let's skip it.  
  
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The Unexpected Entrance  
  
Aragorn stood in front of the mirror, trying on Arwen's maternity cloths. He looked rather astonishingly big and...Well, womanly in a way. Legolas, who was sitting on the king's bed looked rather sour.  
  
"Aragorn," he whined. "How come you got to be pregnant??? Isn't it MY turn?"  
  
"Because you are an elf, my friend! Elves must not have any faults!" Aragorn patted his small, round belly and looked back at the where his wife glared at him.  
  
"My father wishes to speak with you, Aragorn," she announced icily. Elrond came walking in, black leather cloths could be heard rubbing against the walls. A loud bang and then snap and Elrond was lying against the wall.  
  
"Wow!" he cried. "This wand is more powerful than I thought!"  
  
"Daddy!" Arwen whined, stomping her foot angrily on the ground. "My HUSBAND is pregnant, and all you can do is play with your stupid Harry Potter wand?? FOR VALAR'S SAKE!"  
  
Elrond blinked, and quickly hid the wand behind his back. "Sorry, sweetheart. Now, where were we.." He took one glance at Legolas, sitting cross-legged on the giant bed. The elf lord's eyes traveled across the room to meet the form of Aragorn, his foster son, standing in front of the mirror, hand over his swollen belly.  
  
"Dude... do you think this dress makes me look fat?" Aragorn scowled.  
  
Arwen burst into a fit of tears and ran out of the room.  
  
Elrond went racing after her, screaming, "BABY-POOS! HONEY! WAIT!" Legolas scowled over at where Elrond had been then his eyes moved towards Aragorn. But before they got there, fifteen fan girls jumped through the window and started to swarm and do other stuff to Legolas.  
  
"AHHHHHHHH!!! ARAGORN!!! HELP ME!!!" Legolas cried, grabbing one girl who was kissing him and throwing her out the twenty-story building. All the other girls tightened together and one after one, he threw the fan girls out the window...  
  
(Out in the garden)  
  
Sam looked up at the sky and then back down at the plants and then to Frodo. "Mr. Frodo, we haven't gotten rain in weeks! It's almost summer and these plants will never grow!"  
  
"AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
"What's that sound?" Frodo asked, looking around.  
  
*CRASH!* *BUMP* *CLING* *HUANG*  
  
"Oh, Sam!" Frodo cried happily. "It's raining fan girls! It's-" One of the girls landing on Mr. Frodo and unfortunately, he went unconscious.  
  
"Oh, NO! Mister Frodo! Are you alright!?" Sam exclaimed, rushing to his master's side. Unfortunately, a rather large fan girl landed on him before he managed to reach Frodo, and he, too, was knocked unconscious.  
  
Aragorn peered out of the window and down into the garden littered with fan girls. "Elrondy's not going to be happy," he muttered, but then shrugged. "Then again, when is he EVER happy?"  
  
"Who cares," Legolas interrupted, brushing the dirt off his fine self. "Let's make out."  
  
"Ok."  
  
Then they started snuggling like two dogs in heat. Before this fic could turn NC-17, a loud sudden siren in the background disrupted the couple from getting it on.  
  
".... I thought sirens don't exist in Middle-earth," Aragorn pondered.  
  
His thought was ignored as a team of uniformed men barged into the room, helmets, bullet-proof vests and shields all donned and ready for action. "THIS IS THE CANON POLICE," one of the men blared out in a bullhorn. "You are under arrest for violation of sections 193, 924, 20, 182, 582, 132, 219, 295, 183, 39, 10, 1, and 39."  
  
What the heck? Alyssa and Samantha stared in awe at their story. "Where did that come from?" Alyssa looked up at Sam. "Who's the canon police???" Both marched on over to the person who looked like the head of the canon police.  
  
"Who the heck are you and what are you doing? Don't you realize that you just messed up a perfected NC-17 fanfic???" Sam burst out.  
  
"WE ARE THE CANON POLICE!" the head guy said through a horn. "PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND COME WITH US SANELY! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST OF THE MISUSE OF TOLKIEN'S WORK VIOLATED SECTIONS 193, 924, 20, 182, 582, 132, 219, 295, 183, 39, 10, 1, AND 39."  
  
Sam stared at Alyssa who stared at the head guy. "You said 39 twice," Alyssa said matter-of-factly. "And what gives you the right to come in, destroying our fanfic?"  
  
"Sorry, ma'am, but you have viol-"  
  
"I DON'T GIVE A CARE WHAT I VIOLATED!" Alyssa shouted back then jumped on one of their jeeps (yes...isn't that odd? The Canon Police have jeeps in Middle Earth...) and started to bang against the windshield. "YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO COME IN AND TELL US HOW TO WRITE OUR OWN FANFICS!"  
  
"Ms. A. Wood, Ms. S. Chan, you are under arrest for the violation of codes..." And before Alyssa knew it, some guy have shot a tranquillizer and the author passed out on the hood of the jeep.  
  
The Canon police took Legolas, Aragorn, Sam, Frodo, Arwen and Elrond under witness protection and sealed the two insane authors who dared defy Tolkien's rules of Middle Earth in the fashion that they did.  
  
One of the policemen pulled out a long scroll and began reading the long list of crimes Samantha and Alyssa managed to commit within that short fiction. "A pregnant male, horribly written slash, WAY-Out-of-Character personalities, elf in leather, fandom confusions (Harry Potter wand?), usage of the word 'dude'--"  
  
"HEY! It's called FICTION for a reason!" Samantha screamed, her hands clutching the iron bars angrily. "We can do what we want!"  
  
"Yeah, say it to the judge!" one of the guys yelled back. "And by the way, the judge is Tolkien himself!" Samantha gulped and started shaking Alyssa nervously. Soon, the blonde haired girl woke up (ate too much frosting to get seriously unconscious) and looked happily at Samantha. "Sam...am I in heaven?"  
  
"Close. Middle Earth. We're going to prison!" Samantha shouted angrily. "WHY? With Tolkien as our judge, we might as well be dead on the spot!"  
  
"How much did we violate?" Alyssa sat up, but then fell back down. She hated riding in cars (or a closed trunk) without a proper seat.  
  
"Enough to kill them," Samantha replied, worried. "What's wrong with writing a fanfic???"  
  
"We didn't write it the *write* way? We changed Middle Earth for our own enjoyment?" Alyssa suggested.  
  
"But isn't that the point of a fanfic?" Sam would have said more, but a screeching stop sent her head first into the ceiling. Some of the officers opened the doors and took them out-  
  
Alyssa started crying. Samantha started shouting in protest. They were being sent to FAPOTIS (Fangorn Asylum for People Out-of-Touch with their Inner Selves). "BUT WE AREN'T INSANE!" Samantha cried. "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SENDING US HERE FOR???"  
  
The policemen grinned. "Because that's your punishment."  
  
Sam's jaw dropped to the ground. "BUT THE TRIAL HASN'T EVEN BEEN CARRIED OUT YET!"  
  
Shrugging, the cop dragged the two protesting girls out of the cage and down the hall. "That's the way it is on middle earth."  
  
Sighing disappointingly, Sam shook her head. "And I wanted Tolkien's autograph too."  
  
Alyssa slapped Sam on the head as soon as the words escaped her mouth. "You idiot! We're going to an asylum and all you care about is Tolkien's autograph?"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"No, you shut up!"  
  
"I've an idea," Sam interrupted halfway through the argument. Out of nowhere, a plothole emerges and a laptop falls right into her lap. Quickly, she began typing her way out of the predicament.  
  
POOF! They find themselves in the peaceful Shire, policemen nowhere to be seen. A chance to cause more chaos..... 


	2. The Shadow of the Plothole

Lord of the Fanfics: the Fellowship Against the Canon Police By Alyssa Wood & Samantha Chan  
  
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Disclaimer: We disclaim everything we don't own. Duh!  
  
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The Shadow of the Plothole  
  
Alyssa felt confused. A minute ago, she was being dragged into a prison cell and the next minute, she was in the peaceful presence of the Shire. "Samantha," Alyssa's voice trembled. "What happened???"  
  
Sam gave a large, evil grin. "Laptop. I wrote 'Shire' and it transported us there. You know, the way a word does in a story." Alyssa stared wide-eyed as Sam took the laptop and started writing:  
  
"Merry and Pippin ran through the Shire, being chased by a few dragons, but none as bad as Farmer Maggot. The two looked so sweet running around in only their undergarments..."  
  
Alyssa looked up as she heard a sound and two small hobbits came running out of the forest, dressed in their undergarments. "This is creepy, Sam," Alyssa muttered. "The magic of a book!"  
  
"But what Merry and Pippin weren't looking forward to was meeting Samwise Gamgee and Britney Spears on their way to Mordor-"  
  
"What a minute!" Alyssa cried as she read that. "What the heck???"  
  
"Shut up!" Samantha hushed her friend. "You keep yelling like that and the Canon Police are going to catch us again..."  
  
A siren sounded in the distance and all Alyssa could say was, "Too late." The two girls started running with Sam trying to type the last few words on her laptop.  
  
All of a sudden, a giant brick wall landed with a great crash in front of the police car. One car crashed into the back of another, and pretty soon a giant car accident mess was all that was left of the canon police. For now.  
  
"Quick, write us somewhere safer!" Alyssa ordered.  
  
Typing as quick as her two fingers allowed, the two authors soon found themselves in the dainty garden of Rivendell, which were crawling with hot elves in clad in leather.  
  
Raising one eyebrow at Alyssa, Samantha giddily skipped her way to her favorite and started flirting away.  
  
Alyssa walked around, wondering where her beloved Elrond was. Well, Elrond wasn't her beloved, but she enjoyed his personality and wished to see him...just once.  
  
"Hello, Alyssa," Elrond smiled. Alyssa turned around and couldn't believe her eyes. Elrond looked HOT! Alyssa almost passed out as she started at him. She could hear Samantha, far off, flirting with Elrond's twins. "You wanted to see me?"  
  
"How did you know?" Alyssa asked astonished.  
  
"I am a Lord! I know everything! Now, come...I know you want to kiss me..." Elrond looked down at Alyssa. And then another elf popped up and kissed Elrond. Alyssa fell back in the excitement and felt like puking.  
  
"I DO!!! HOW DID YOU KNOW, ELROND???" the elf asked happily. It was Glorfindel. Alyssa sneaked away while she heard some interesting sounds. Then a bunch of fan girls pass and then finally, the long-awaited sirens.  
  
"SAM!" Alyssa cried, running after her friend. "SAM! Where's your laptop???"  
  
Samantha looked around. What DID happen to it? "AH!" she realized. "One of the elves has it! AH!" Samantha ran off in one direction, while Alyssa ran inside the house of Elrond. 


	3. Some Flying Company & Fruitcake!

Lord of the Fanfics: The Fellowship Against the Canon Police By Alyssa Wood & Samantha Chan  
  
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No comment. Read on if you aren't stupid enough to take it all seriously. And keep the bad reviews coming! I'm going to host them on my website!  
  
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Some Flying Company & Fruitcake!  
  
Sam panicked as she watched Elladan run off with her laptop. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed loudly, dropping to her knees in disbelief.  
  
"We've got to hide!" Alyssa said as she grabbed Sam and ran into the woods.  
  
The Canon police were right on their heels, police dogs and all. The two authors ran as fast as they could, panting and gasping for breath along the way. There was no way they could outrun something that wasn't real...  
  
"What are we going to do?" Sam asked. "Our laptop is gone! Stupid Elladan... I KNEW he was too hot to be trusted."  
  
That was when Alyssa got the most ingenious idea. "DUDE!" she said, pulling out her Harry Potter wand.  
  
Sam looked exasperated. She stared at Alyssa in amazement. "OMG! ALYSSA JANE WOOD! WHY didn't you TELL ME that you have a !@#$%^&* wizard wand??? WHY???" The canon police began to close in, and soon Sam and Alyssa were surrounded.  
  
"GET AWAY!" Alyssa cried, fearlessly, holding her wand out at the people. "I am armed and I'm not afraid!" the wand was now sparkling red and then next minute, it started shooting random things and destroying it. The canon police hesitated for a moment, not know what to do (they never had to go through this. It was a different story...).  
  
Sam looked quite excited and picked up a stick, pretending it was a Harry Potter wand. Sam started charging the Canon Police and sent them scattering...well, until they figured out that the wand was fake. Then they grew meaner...  
  
"Alyssa...what do we do now?" Sam whined.  
  
"Well, thanks to you, Genius, for spoiling the stunt!" Alyssa glared angrily.  
  
Alyssa used the REAL Harry Potter wand and commanded a large sofa (or as Canadians stupidly call it, a CHESTERFIELD) to fall on the canon police. Ta da! A large pink fluffy sofa fell from the sky and landed on top of the troop, squishing them as flat as pancakes.  
  
"You know, Alyssa.The more we run, the more they can charge us for butchering Tolkien's stuff. I mean... that Harry Potter wand keeps coming back..." Sam pointed out.  
  
"Well, I'd rather not let them catch us... I believe in freedom of speech!" she protested.  
  
Before she could carry out a whole dramatic speech on the right to speak an opinion and express oneself in their own form of creativity, the Canon Police brought in the big arms... that's to say, they wheeled in the Canon Cannon... dundundun...  
  
Samantha and Alyssa were stunned. Alyssa closed her eyes and thought really hard and then whispered to Samantha. "Hold on!"  
  
"Wha-?" Samantha wondered, but the next second they were being whirled away in the sky. "AH! ALYSSA!!! WE'RE FLYING! WE'RE FLYING!" but of course how long do you think that was going to last? "ALYSSA! WE'RE FALLING!!! WE'RE FALLING!!!" Samantha started trying to grip the air for something to hold onto, but she could only find Alyssa.  
  
"GET OFF ME, SAM!" Alyssa cried as they fell back into place where they were before. "Look what happened! I lost concentration and we fell! Blasted wand!" Alyssa hit the stick on the side of a brick wall...and accidentally snapped it in half. Samantha went hysterical.  
  
"AH! WE HAVE NO PROTECTION ANYMORE!" Sam cried, running around in circles, not knowing what to do. Alyssa looked up at the sky. There were eagles...large eagles...flying down to them. Samantha looked up, too. "AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" her face went white in terror. "THERE'S A DRAGON!!! A DRAGON!!!"  
  
"Shut up, Sam!" Alyssa laughed as the dragon flew down and gently picked them up. The two authors could hear voices from above...  
  
But unfortunately, the dragon dropped them as soon as he flew off. The dragon belonged the Canon Police. Samantha cursed. "STUPID PEOPLE!" she shouted on the way down. The two landed right in Legolas' arms.  
  
"YES!" Alyssa cried embracing Legolas. "I love you, Legolas!"  
  
"No, duh!" Legolas replied sarcastically. "Now how many times have I heard that?  
  
"You saved our lives! You're my hero!" Alyssa added.  
  
"Ok, Alyssa now shut up!" Samantha jumped out of Legolas' arms and looked back up. "Oh no..."  
  
"What?" Alyssa asked, still holding on to Legolas for dear life.  
  
"They have an eagle army...isn't that illegal?" Samantha pondered.  
  
"So you two are the ones being chased around here?" Gimli laughed when he found his elf friend and the two authors (one hanging off him). "The Poe- lease has been here several times. This isn't the place to be..."  
  
A soft horn could be heard in the distance and Sam collapse. "This is getting so difficult!" Samantha cried to no one. "How are we supposed to write a fanfic if we can't break a few rules???"  
  
"Basically, it comes down to this: no writing fanfics at all," Alyssa replied, jumping down from Legolas. "I think we're trapped now. We're out of ideas..."  
  
A plothole came again and poured out five thousand fruitcakes and another laptop. This time, it was Alyssa's. "YES!" Alyssa cried, grabbing her laptop. "MY LAPTOP!"  
  
Samantha laughed and jumped for joy. Then decided to organize the fruitcake for ammo. Soon, the Canon Police caught them and they were cornered.  
  
"SURRENDER!" some lunatic called over the microphone.  
  
"NO!" Samantha replied, grabbing some fruitcakes and throwing it at them. "WE SHALL NEVER SURRENDER!"  
  
Alyssa sat busily behind the computer screen and was writing as fast as she could. She had to get them somewhere soon or else they would be in trouble. A few tranquilizers were shot and hit her in the back, but from her zest after meeting Legolas, they had no affect. The eagles closed in, but one by one, they fell to the wrath of the fruitcake. Yum!  
  
"Alyssa, what are you doing over there? Hurry up!" Samantha cried, throwing some more fruitcake. "Just get us out of here!"  
  
Alyssa made some final taps and they were transported to another place...back home... 


End file.
